Ahhh, Who Invited Gustav?

I really wish pseudo-prominent Democrats (I couldn't have actually called Don Fowler prominent for over a decade and if I called Michael Moore prominent I'd throw up in my mouth) would stop saying that the impending Hurricane Gustav's arrival during what was scheduled to be the Republican National Convention is proof that God is "on our side." Two reasons:

1. It sounds really, really bad. Seriously, when you say something like that you definitely come off as kind of a dick. According to Dominican Today that storm's already killed "at least 67 people in Haiti and Dominican Republic," (not that we count non-American casualties). And if it does turn out to be the Katrina II that the major media is hyping it up to be, then these genius weavers of words will have been essentially calling a natural disaster which caused untold American deaths and property damage (not to mention the 67 or more dead foreigners) a blessing for their team in the Big Game. So yeah, kind of a dick thing to say.

2. It's absolutely untrue! If anything it's the opposite.

2a.) It keeps Dick and George away. The RNC was going to be a forum in which our overlords addressed the nation in support of Big John. If you haven't been paying attention thus far, one of McCain's big goals in this brawl is to distance himself from the Bush Administration. And lo, God called forth a thunderous storm and it was so.

2b.) Palin gets to show the country some executive badassery. While Obama has slightly more big game political experience than Palin and Biden has a lifetime more, she has more executive experience than the two combined. In other words, they're both senators while she's a governor, an executive position. A ton of National Guard from all across the country have been deployed to provide relief and curb looting in the potential aftermath of this thing. A state's governor is essentially the Commander-in-Chief of their state's National Guardsmen, like the President is of the Army, Marines, etc. She will officially be in charge of the Alaska National Guard. So as long as she doesn't tell them to start shooting civilians or raping chickens and they more or less do their job, then around a trillion TV cameras capture her successfully and single-handedly leading a military unit. The headlines read something like, "Palin Successfully Leads Alaskan National Guard to Save Bayou Woman from Rooftop." In other words, good press for Palin.

2c.) McCain gets to "push aside" politics and replay hero role. People eat the hero thing up. I don't know if you've heard, but McCain's a hero. And not just any kind of hero, he's a bona-fide genuine goddamn war hero. I'm not saying that sarcastically, he served our country valiantly and if you happen to encounter the Straight Talk Express along your travels and don't thank him you're an ungrateful C-Word. Seriously, you are. But what my slightly esteemed fellow Democrats Mr. Fowler and Mr. Moore and Mr. any-other-dumb-asshole-who-decides-to-have-a-chuckle-with-the-media-about-the-impending-hurricane don't realize is that if said hyped up hurricane does indeed become a Katrina II it will be the perfect opportunity for him to re-solidify that idea. Come Thursday night, rather than delivering his acceptance speech for the Republican nomination at a boring-ass convention in front of a bunch of boring-ass Republicans, he could instead be delivering his acceptance speech for the Republican nomination live via satellite in front of the hurricane ravished Gulf Coast he's been working three days to help restore.

And lo, God called forth a thunderous storm and it was so.

Wouldn't it be an ironic twist of fate if Katrina II ended up helping the GOP as much as Katrina ended up hurting it? Wouldn't it? Well in eight hours or so the meat of this thing will hit land and we'll see what it really is. But mark my words, if this thing does turn into Katrina II there will be no Kanye West saying John McCain doesn't care about black people and no Mike Myers standing awkwardly and silently next to him. If this is Katrina II Michael Moore will eat his words like Crisco from a spoon. If this is Katrina II it will storm the US coast like a Viking, leave utter devastation in its wake and blow the Republican party into a third straight term in the Oval Office.